In this post Parveen has the opportunity to discuss his journey in the process towards acceptance of our son's sexuality. He is honest and vulnerable as he details the stages that he went through. Parveen is an amazing, loving and supportive father to both of our children. Take the time to read his story with an open heart and please share with anyone that you think may benefit from his experience. As always, we are open to help support anyone experiencing similar circumstances.
Read this father's journey:
My name is Parveen Dhupar. A 54-year-old brown man, born in India and raised in Canada. I am a loving husband, proud father to 2 amazing young men and just an overall family man first, a lifelong learner and serial entrepreneur second, and lastly a servant leader ready to help anyone who asks. I am a strong ally to the 2SLGTBQIA+ community who shouts out loud how proud I am of my Queer son, but it was a long journey getting to this point.
The acronym keeps getting longer as people continue to recognize the need for more inclusivity and intersectionality in the words and terms that we use with one another. 2SLGTBQIA+ stands for Two-Spirit, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and/or Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and the plus reflects all other identities that have yet to be captured by the acronym, making it clear that all forms of gender and sexuality are valid.
I haven’t always been supportive of the Queer community. Growing up in the 80’s as a teenager I was a fan of comedy, especially Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor, and became somewhat of a clown myself. I would make gay jokes and put on a show with other friends where we would act as if we were gay. As I got a little older and started to work in retail, I would pretend to be gay while serving gay customers. To me it was just an act, and at the time I never thought about how hurtful and uncomfortable I was making people feel.
Media didn’t help either. I learned my culture through Hindi movies and attending our mandir weekly. Hindi movies focused on the typical hero/heroine story with a Hijra showing up in a scene or two for a laugh. For those of you who are not aware, Hijras are intersex or transgender people in the Indian subcontinent. In addition to comedic roles, 80’s mainstream English movies and television also portrayed gay people as being dangerous, violent, predatory, or suicidal. They were never given the lead roles as the narrative had to focus on the heterosexual lead character. In fact, thinking hard about this, most of the queer characters weren't even played by someone who identified themselves as being from the 2SLGTBQIA+ community.
Even into adulthood I can recall having guys nights out and someone would make a gay joke and we would all laugh out loud, no differently than with any other joke. This is how my surroundings and media conditioned my behaviour.
So how did I go from being the person I was to the person I am today?
When our son Rohan was in middle school, I discovered that he had been perusing gay porn websites. I was in denial- “No way could my son be gay” “How could he not like women?” “How is this possible as no one in our family is gay?” Instead of thinking about why he was on these sites, why he was curious, what challenges he must have been facing, how were other kids treating him, and how I could help him, I went right into jumping to conclusions and thinking of rejecting the feeling that he might be gay.
I shared what I had discovered with my wife Ritu, who was shocked but much more logical in her approach. Out of frustration, I blamed her for putting Rohan into dance classes, as if he was being conditioned into liking guys over girls. I was angry and in total disbelief but deep down I knew this was not the case.
Ritu guided me into how best to have the conversation with Rohan and kept me calm. When we had the conversation, I started off calm but throughout the discovery I am sure I must have made hurtful comments until I was finally able to get to a space of focusing on his curiosity and mentioned that at this stage of his life, he should not be putting labels on himself and that speaking to a counsellor would help him navigate through what he was going through at the time.
From that day forward I made a conscious effort to educate myself. I went online and read about whether a person is born gay or whether being gay is a learned behaviour? The more I read the more confused I got as there were interesting perspectives from both points of view. My takeaway is that being gay is not a choice for people and that it is a fundamental part of who they are. It is in their genes and something as complicated as sexual orientation involves lots of genes. The surroundings and environment in which we are raised can influence behaviour and tweak curiosity but not make a person gay. Being gay is not a learned behaviour and people cannot “unlearn” their sexual orientation. What we learn from our environment is a choice and we can choose to accept it or not. We cannot choose whether we are gay or not since we are born that way.
When Rohan “officially” told us that he liked boys, and I thought I was prepared for this day, my first reaction was once again denial and I made hurtful comments that I can never take back. I cried and made it about me instead of being supportive. My default behaviour in those days was to go into knee jerk reaction and then get into more of a supportive place. I feared for his safety, knowing how people can be so mean. Unlike other desi (anyone from South Asian descent) people, I did not think about what society would think. All that mattered to me was that my son was safe and happy. I told him I loved him, gave him a big hug and said that I would always be here to support him no matter what.
As Rohan, got older and more comfortable with his identity he would often tell me “dad, you cannot say that” or “dad, that was hurtful”. Through him I learned to reflect on all my biases. We have become a strong happy family that respects differences in opinion. Social issues and conversations around the 2SLGTBQIA+ community have become hot topics of discussion in our household. I have grown and become a much better human being because of my family and mainly because of all that Rohan has taught me.
Being a member of the Entrepreneurs’ Association (EO) helped me a lot as well. Having like-minded people share openly about their wins and challenges without judgement allowed me to open-up more and become more comfortable. Once I was able to get deep and express my feelings with my forum in the Toronto EO Chapter, I felt more empowered to share with my friends and family, giving them the same opportunity to change. It is up to each of us to reflect on our own biases and not take a blind eye towards what is going on around us. We need to be the change we want to see in the world.
I treat Rohan no differently than I do my heterosexual son, Prem. I am as interested in his love life as I am in Prem’s love life. One time, Rohan and I were in the car together and I asked him if he was dating any guy. I think that was the first time Rohan felt that he could be fully open with me knowing that I really supported him and cared.
I no longer laugh at inappropriate jokes and let people know that what they are saying is hurtful to others. I am more aware of my biases and continue to grow through being transparent with my thoughts and feelings. The journey ahead will have its challenges, but one thing is for certain, I will always have my son’s back. I love you so much Rohan.
These experiences have led me to become a strong ally for change when it comes to all marginalized communities. This past year, within the global EO network, I joined a MyEO Group called MyEO OneWorld that is made up of underrepresented members and their allies with the mission to create a more socially conscious, culturally diverse and inclusive experience for all members. By working in a space that I am comfortable with, Entrepreneurship, I have been able to impact positive change in various areas for many people.
For all you fathers out there going through your own personal journey of acceptance, just remember the promise you made when your child was born. A commitment to always be there for them, to nurture them and support them through their own personal journey. We don’t just love our children every now and then, we love them without end.
"Fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man." Frank Pittman
